Cracking Down

Today I had my final Core Science exams for one GCSE in Science - Chemistry & Physics. They were both easy enough, which has left me feeling very optimistic about them. A nice ray of light in the middle of all the crap happening with my friends.

I'm a fairly perceptive person, I'd like to think, and pretty cheerful most of the time too, but everyone has their down days, or down weeks, and it's almost always something someone else has done to make me feel awful about myself. I love myself, really I do, but when people don't sit next to me or talk to me in classes, I feel very excluded. Am I an annoying friend? I don't know - no one ever tells me. I never hear people talking about me; but I'd rather know that I just don't get TOLD that they do because they're scared of telling me that kind of thing.

I've always rather that people tell me things to my face, but they hardly ever do. So is it because they aren't good at doing things like that, and they really do speak behind my back, or is it because I am actually a good friend? I'd hope it was the latter, of course, but lately when people have been excluding me I do feel a lot like I've done something wrong, or bad, to drive them away. Most of my regular friends (regular as in, the people I eat lunch with, share things with, and spend time with most of all) are pretty hard for a lot of people to tolerate most of the time, and it has been known that they've tried even my temper. But sometimes I wonder if they forget all that I do for them, that I am an allowing and tolerant friend, and they just take me for granted, and when I do one thing wrong they immediately latch onto that negative thing and think that's all that I'm about. Wrong.

I'm glad there's only one year left of high school, and I'm glad I have met people online that are much better friends - or at least have proved to be so far. Time will tell, when we finally meet, whether or not I can stand them in person. But I always reason that if people can put up with me, there's no reason I can't put up with them. And the other way round. If people can't be bothered with me, I'll ignore them. It's a mutual thing, ... well, at least, it should be. When these certain people make crude remarks in my general direction, I do wonder why they have a problem. Or maybe it's just immaturity.

I've always been mature beyond my years, as I've been told, and have come to realize. I also realize that there's not any point being humble and saying "well, I hope I'm like this..." when I know how I am as a person, so :D I'm just going to get on and say stuff like that in blogs, b/c it saves us all a lot of time. But I today I also saw something which one of my good friends agrees with me - is completely out of order. There's a certain someone we both know who is in our science lessons, who had no respect for any teachers. I don't know how someone can not respect someone of authority at all, knowing full well the consequences of being extremely rude to them and disregarding their authority over him, but you know, cracking horrible jokes about them, remarking about their appearance, even though they are infinitely more polite, better people morally, NICER people, more humanly aware of other people's feelings... but I guess there are people like that in the world, who don't understand anyone else and are completely selfish. He doesn't even respect his own parents, he doesn't even respect his own friends. I've seen him flit between various groups of people in my year over the time he's moved to our school (yes, he's not an original one of us. He's moved from somewhere in Bolton) and each time he's moved friendship groups, its his own fault. He makes friends through his jokes, which aren't funny at all, and are often mean and cruel, and then eventually makes fun of his friends instead, driving them away and making them hate him.

Eventually he should be left with no one at all. When that day comes, I hope for his sake and everyone else's that he realizes what a fool he's been. And if he doesn't grow up... well, I hate to say it but, good riddance. One more idiot out of the gene pool.

Anyway, moving on from my rant, I've finally started to crack down, hence my title, on writing one of my books. It's definitely been the one that has always stayed the forefront of my mind, even as plots have come and gone from my enthusiasm, and now I think it is the best one to start with, especially since I have a very clear outline of the plot now, and all the twists are pretty much there, although I may add in a few more, and possibly need more characters. Its the only idea that I think can be standalone - because lately I've looked a lot of my other ideas and seen that they could either happen in the same "world" or the same kind of, line of books. But I think this one is different, and as a breath of fresh air, it's why I'm starting with it. Character sheets have been and are being drawn up, original characters improved upon, shaped into what they've developed into in my mind, and I'm just about to start on the first chapter (which may or may not be a prologue instead).

The End. I hope everyone is well. :D And many happy and positive thoughts to Natalie, who is currently in Belize, in the Amazon. Which I think is amazing. Once in a lifetime opportunity. I'm glad she is fulfilling so many dreams and has become more self confident within herself since she's left high school. I can understand fully now why she hated it so much, because honestly, I'm sick of it too. Sick to the teeth.

More tea is needed. It's the drink of the soul!